At the beginning of graduate school, I thought that being tough on myself was part of being a good researcher. This belief fit neatly into the stereotypical image of PhD life and academic careers: low pay, heavy workload, and little to no work–life balance. Looking back, I am very glad that I later learned to be kinder to myself; sometimes even a little selfish. That shift in mindset turned out to do far more good than harm.

Being frugal has always been one of my habits; though not always a healthy one. I wanted to save as much of my meager stipend as possible. Rent was my biggest fixed expense. In the first year of graduate school, I lived in an apartment with well below-average rent. The room had old carpets, unresponsive management, and limited sunlight in a half-basement. One day, sewage water backed up and flooded the laundry room on the same level as my room. I had no words for how disgusting the entire building became. What made it worse was that the management did almost nothing to properly sanitize the area. Not long after, my body began to protest. I developed hives. My face and skin would swell if I forgot to take antihistamines for even a single day. Toward the end of that lease, I did everything I could to move out. I relocated to a much better apartment with higher rent. Wood floors replaced carpets; sunlight replaced shadows; the room was larger and quieter. My life brightened up and I felt more energetic. I now always remind myself that saving money at the cost of basic living quality is not a virtue.

During COVID, social distancing made the PhD experience painfully lonely. I became unproductive and felt like doing nothing. Research seemed exhausting and meaningless. Although my projects had regular meetings, I began telling my advisor and collaborators that I could not meet, sometimes because I did not feel well physically or mentally, sometimes because I genuinely had no updates. I usually framed it politely though, saying that meeting might not be the best use of their time. Initially, I felt guilty. But later I realized that saying no was far healthier than forcing myself to perform. I also started setting clearer boundaries between work and life. Outside of normal work hours, I tried to avoid replying to emails. I learned to push back against unreasonable timeline or expectations. Not surprisingly, the world did not collapse. People respected my time and efforts more than I had anticipated. Now after graduation and in my current job, I am grateful that I practiced saying no early, especially to non-urgent or low-priority requests outside work hours. Having clear boundaries between work and life has been essential for managing stress and preserving time for my own interests.

Throughout graduate school, career decisions after graduation were never clear-cut for me. I constantly debated whether to pursue an academic position or move into industry; and if industry, which one. During my job search, I reached a point where I was strongly leaning toward an industry offer while holding tenure-track faculty offers. When I shared my decision, I could sense the disappointment from my letter writers. I was, admittedly, selfish in prioritizing my own preferences. But I knew I could not choose a career simply to please others, even those whose support I deeply appreciated.

In fact, earlier in graduate school, my curiosity about industry led me to pursue an internship. I secured the offer before telling my advisor. Fortunately he was supportive, though I could tell he would have preferred that I spend the summer doing research. Over time, I realized that many academic supervisors have little firsthand experience with industry roles. When seeking advice about life after graduation, I learned to consciously weigh opinions based on the experiences behind them. Some supervisors strongly discourage summer internships, especially for students close to finishing. They may view industry work as irrelevant to research or intellectually shallow. However, internships in the third or fourth year are often the best windows to gain clarity about career directions and open doors to full-time opportunities. As PhD students, we are the ones who live with the long-term consequences of our choices. We owe it to ourselves to explore with care, honesty, and bravery.

Being kind to ourselves does not mean caring less about our work, but recognizing that we are our own most important stakeholders. We can take our research seriously, respect others, support peers, while still remembering that we are people first, researchers second.