When people are asked to describe their PhD journey in one word, the answers are often challenging, rewarding, or exhausting. All of those are true. And yet, for many of us, loneliness quietly becomes the default setting, especially after coursework ends and everyone disappears into their own research bubble. Looking back at my own journey, one of the most important things I did during my PhD was to build my own support group.

My academic sister Stephanie Wu, previously at Harvard Biostatistics and currently at UCL, became one of the most important people throughout my graduate school. We initially met at ENAR 2022 (one of the biggest biostatistics conferences in the US), which was also the first in-person conference after COVID. We were assigned to the same session and were struck by how similar our talks were. Later, we realized that Stephanie’s advisor was a close collaborator of mine and a member of my thesis committee.

The second time we met in person was at JSM 2022 (the biggest statistics conference in North America), when we were assigned to the same session again. In 2023, we bumped into each other at another conference. Every time I saw Stephanie, I felt her energy. She was always passionate, soft-spoken, smiling, and thoughtful.

Towards the end of 2023, Stephanie texted me one day: Do you want to set up regular calls just to talk about whatever we like? Honestly I hesitated. I was extremely introverted and always wanted to avoid social interactions whenever possible. But out of politeness, I said yes, and we put up weekly Zoom calls on our calendars.

At the first call, I had no idea what to say. Unlike meetings with my advisor, there was no agenda to prepare. Thankfully Stephanie led the conversation about her research problems. By the second call, I found myself enjoying the conversation, as we started sharing life events in addition to research. Even before I realized it, I was actually looking forward to our meetings.

We talked about everything: food we were craving, trips we wanted to take, random gossip, frustrations with advisors, stories about our partners, and life outside academia. Research topics slipped in too. We brainstormed ideas, debugged code for each other, derived math formulas together, shared papers, and sanity-checked half-baked thoughts that we would never dare to say out loud in a group meeting. Later, as graduation approached, we mocked interviews, shared job postings, and helped each other rehearse interview.

In fact, around the time we started our regular calls, both of us were struggling badly. It was right after COVID. We felt isolated, depressed, and unmotivated. The excitement of starting a PhD was long gone, and the thesis felt like a distant, heavy burden. Throughout COVID, I lived with my partner together. When my partner returned to in-person work while I was still working from home, staying alone became terrible. I felt unmotivated to do anything, I lost appetite (I ate nothing but a small dinner each day), and developed the ability to cry any moment.

Those weekly calls with Stephanie did not magically fix everything overnight. They did not suddenly make my research easy or my anxiety disappear. But they gave my weeks a rhythm. They gave me a reason to show up as myself, not as a “productive PhD student”. Knowing that someone would listen, understand, help, and not judge made the rest of the week feel survivable.

Gradually, we both got better. Work resumed in a steady way. Papers got written. Chapters got drafted. Job applications went out. We both graduated. After finishing our PhDs, we still talk regularly, despite being in different time zones. Now we talk about life, new jobs, and all the joys and chaos that come with moving on.

That is why I genuinely believe our PhD should not be lonely. Large groups and formal mentoring structures are wonderful, but sometimes all it takes is one peer or two and a recurring calendar invite. This peer can share the same research area or work on a different one, can come from the same or a different department/school. What really matters is consistency, trust, and mutual respect.

What made the difference for me was putting recurring events on our calendars. The recurring calls became a psychological anchor for each week, even if we occasionally canceled or rescheduled. I just had to show up, knowing that I did not need to be perfectly prepared or in a good mood. A similar experience with another group of peers has taught me that when too many meetings are skipped, restarting becomes surprisingly hard.

Equally important was how we treated each other in those conversations. We showed up without judgment. We were honest and generous with what we knew - ideas, papers, job leads, and half-baked thoughts. Over time, I became much happier as I adopted the mindset that the more I supported my peer, the easier my own path felt. Support always comes back in unexpected ways. When both sides hold this belief, the relationship stops feeling like an obligation and becomes sustainable.

If you are early in your PhD, or even in the middle and feeling stuck, I hope my story encourages you to reach out. Identify your peer(s), suggest regular calls, and put the calls on the calendar.